Subject: The Future?? > Date: Wednesday, March 04, 1998 7:23 PM > > > The Future Diary of a Mad Digital Homeowner: > > Nov 28, 2005: > > Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach house at last. > Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood. > > Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which > is > connected to my personal computer, which is connected to the power > lines, > all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs off a > universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used. > Programming is a snap. I'm like, totally wired. > > Nov 30: Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the > thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely > tweaked > the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy when I > arrived. > Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached. > > Dec 1: Had to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth > problems. > The TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on the phone. They > insist it's a problem with the cable company's compression algorithms. > How > do they expect me to order things from the Home Shopping > Channel? > > Dec 8: Got my first SmartHouse invoice today and was unpleasantly > surprised. I suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the > washing > machine interface when I'm not here. She must be downloading one hell of > a > lot of GIFs from the binary groups, because packet charges were > through the roof on the invoice. > > Dec 3: Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the > refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else > electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything. > Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing. Call > the > cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refered me to the > utility. The utility insists that the problem is in the software. > So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house > processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. > I > don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More phone calls; more remote > diag's. Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The > network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was > open. > So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down > the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there > hadn't > actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence was confused and > it > couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the > first > time this has ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour. > > Dec 7: The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for > help. > We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it > creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit > the > window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security > sensors are actuated, and the police computer concludes that someone is > trying to break in. Go figure. > Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the > universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means > I > actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. > The > software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the > next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet. > Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the microwave is secretly tuning > into the cable system to watch Bay Watch. The unit is completely > inoperable > during that same hour. I guess I can live with that. At least the > blender > is not tuning in to old I Love Lucy episodes. > > Dec 9: I just bought the new Microsoft Home. Took 93 gigabytes of > storage, but it will be worth it, I think. The house should be much > easier > to use and should really do everything. I had to sign a second mortgage > over to Microsoft, but I don't mind: I don't really own my house > now--it's > really the bank. Let them deal with Microsoft. > > Dec 10: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House. I keep > getting an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to run the > dishwasher. > > Dec 12: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My > personal > computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come > home > and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, > the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded > the basement, the garage door is cycleing up and down and the TV is stuck > on > the home shopping channel. Throughout the house, lights flicker like > stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is > everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing. > I look at a message slowly throbing on my personal computer screen: > WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so > humble,here's no virus like the HomeWrecker...). > > > Dec 18: They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the > place > is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got > the > part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as > the > anti-virus SWAT team members like to call themselves) are confident the > worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad" one he tells me, "but > consider > yourself lucky you didn't get PolterGeist. That one is really evil." > > Dec 19: Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and > mudslides, yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My agreement > with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and > warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my house > networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified on-line service. > Everybody's very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to anticipate > every virus that might be created. > > We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited! > > Dec 21: I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday > offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the > company's > new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the > programmers personally. "Sure," I tell him. > *************************************************************** ...end