Last night, we gathered to congratualte our senior's graduation. his paper got accepted by a major journal. . Now, he is a Ph.D. in computer science. A Ph.D..... A status which my mother wanted me to be so much... but I refused. I don't know myself so much. but I do know myself more than anyone in this world does. Ph.D. is not for me. That's what I was born with. I don't like to be called other than my name anyway. And more over, I was so much disappointed by my professor. Anyway, we drank and drank. Laughing & shouting & talking... As the alcohol worked, my seniors began to turn their deep-hidden cards on the table. What they felt when first came here.... what they felt about the professor-student relationship....why they were disappointed by the professors. what they were feeling about present lives. I don't know but as I listened to them, several teardrops rolled down on my cheeks. I don't know why. I wasn't sad or sorrow. Listening to their story, their real story on their hope, sadness, happiness moved me, I think. I didn't participate in it.. I just drank and listened to them. But listening to them was the best thing I could do at that time. there are sometimes when all we can do is just stand and watch something happens. Sometimes, I feel lonely. sometimes feel inept. sometimes feel like crying for nothing. so lonely that I can't do anything but to just sit on a chair and console myself, saying[I'm not lonely.]. Feel so inept that sometimes think all I can do is just breathe. Feel like crying so badly that I didn't go to bed until 5~6 in the morning with tears all over my face. Often watching the black sky in the nights to ponder the life I've walked through... trying to get some answer about the ultimate question [What am I ? Why I am here ?]. Thinking and retrospecting what I've done... Feeling the responsibilities & obligations which I was given. Like to travel alone to places I've never been. like to learn and acquire new things with pleasure. But don't want to be bound. Try to do things which was given to me. sometimes fail to achieve it but a while later retry and finish it. Don't want to be a loser. on the contrary, don't want to be a winner either. don't want to hurt other people... but sometimes become so indifferent to others that even I surprise at myself. If something must be done, keep it in mind so deeply and finally overcome the difficulties... no matter how much time it may take. Looking so naive and childish, doing so naive and childish. but with some reasons and motivations, become totally different from the usual appearances. Always find myself so difficult to make someone understand me that don't want to speak and want to express my feelings with behaviors, with behaviors which was taken as a stupidity itself. All these thoughts flashed in my head instantly at that time... My seniors were not different at all. They had the same problems, the similar thoughts. It made me droop tears I think. I don't know exactly why. After the pub, we went to a singing cafe(Ga-yo-Bang). They were enthusiastic about it. Dancing with the ladies there.. singing so loudly... drinking... Looked like they wanted to dissolve all the stresses they got from this monotonous life. It finished about 5 AM... I came to my room and thought about the stories they told. It felt so real. I mean I thought I've seen the real humane faces of them. I've set my life's direction to another course. A course different from this computer field. I felt guilty about telling them my decision.(and I hardly tell it to others... what course I'm heading for..) And the atmosphere here forbids me from telling it freely also. but I hope maybe sometime later, I can tell them about my things and have a couple of beers with them, talking about the good and bad things which we have gone through. There is no absolute good and no absolute bad, I believe. But deep down under anyone's heart, there exists some honesty. And in the honesty itself, there are some good sides. I also believe. May the honesty prevail. and also may all the people achieve what they want to do. Good luck to my senior with a brightening, shimmering future. The long habit of living indisposeth us for dying. -Sir Thomas Browne